Sometimes I really don't know how I should think or act. One moment I will be up in arms over the right to dress how you like and be the person you want to be, and the next I'll be relentlessly picking on the girl who dyed her hair pink and wears all black outfits. What is wrong with me? I honestly do not care how people dress, and if you want to have pink hair, knock yourself out. But then why do I seem to change my mind every other second?
I think it started with my friends. One of the girls I'm friends with is almost popular, but due to some social awkwardness and an unusual dress sense (we get along so well), she was booted from the likes of the cool kids forever. She is quite loaded (which she never fails to mention when money comes up) and a bit rude and I'm not really sure how much I like her but the overwhelming human NEED to have someone to talk to is too overbearing to ignore. She is my best friend, and I am hers, and I want to have somebody. Anyways, back on topic. Best Friend is very rich but dresses like a minstrel woman, and she still picks on others. She makes fun of people who are too fat, too short, dressed in a way she wouldn't normally (didn't know traveling merchant was 'in' this year, BF) or is just different, and it pisses me off. Honestly, sometimes I just want to shake people and scream at them and ask them why they can't just leave people alone. That's my dream, to be left alone.
Another problem is the family. I was raised in a super Conservative family, but I tend to swing left on most issues, although I admit there are idiots on both sides of everything. One moment I'll be a bleeding heart liberal weeping for trees or baby pirates in Somalia and the next I'll be all for an all-out nuke fest in any given location. I try to look at my choices and understand why I make them, but sometimes the only reason I have is Just Because. The beauty of Just Because is almighty and all powerful. It can be used for the all-encompassing Just Because I Am Right and I Always Will Be, or for the sacred and near holy Just Because Some Things Are Right and Others Are Wrong. Just Because pisses me off. I want reasons, I want answers.
Circling the drain now, I want to talk about inner me. Inner me acts tough, but that's just the crunchy nutty coating to the gooey caramel me on the inside. Real me is relatively happy, depending on when you talk to me. Real me enjoys weepy romantic films and secretly hates itself for that. Real me hates it when my monologue starts sounding like a weepy romantic film. Real me also loves people who are different, but not people who are different for the sake of being different. But Outer me hates different people. When I see some motherfucker walking down the street who is completely different and happy besides, I hate him.
Because I am jealous I am not him.
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